Smell like Jesus

Smell like Jesus

Today is the first day of June, and I really don't have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Much less my summer.

 I got back into the states a little over a month ago now, and I'm still trying to process all of the things that I have seen the three months that I spent in Swaziland, Africa. The country is a spiritual war zone, to say the least. But while I was there the Lord called me away from something I dearly loved (my photography business) to something that scares the crap outta me.

This thing called "ministry"

I have no idea what this looks like. I have no idea where it will take place. I have no idea how long. But I'm stoked! Not to mention, completely and utterly humbled. He would really call this "official hot mess" to be used for the kingdom, as like, a full time thing?!? To awesome for words. He asked me to lose any and all plans and to just "trust and have faith". Ever since I've gone public with this new calling, Satan has brought on his forces strong. I have had to "Warrior up" on a daily basis, and I am consistently having to proclaim truths out loud over myself.

Being the far cry from perfect that I am, I've also had my flesh come creeping in over the past few weeks. It comes in things like being really short and kinda cranky to my family. (okay, maybe really cranky sometimes). Because in my mind, I can't stop thinking about little two year old Tema, who lives in Swaziland with her gogo (grandma) because her mother abandon her. And the way she has to walk miles to get food everyday, lead by another child under the age of six. And the privilege I had to hold her all morning, when I finally earned her trust, to just show her love. And the fact that I'm now half way across the world from her, and on and on it goes.

But that doesn't excuse the things that come outta my mouth, in my anger and hurt, when simple everyday family conflicts arise. Today those "little things" finally caught up to me. One thing lead to another and I found myself sitting in the car, parked at Walmart crying. Then again, when I was bawling my eyes out in the shower. I just felt like I was completely failing. I was failing at being a daughter, sister, friend, small group leader and mentor. I was being quiet when I should have spoken out, and speaking when I should have bit my tongue. I was failing at loving those around me well, (or even being lovable) encouraging and pouring into them. How am I going to do anything for the kingdom when I can't even do these things?

Then, my Jesus called me his beloved…*sigh.

Then he brought to mind the recent podcast I listened to. The speaker was explaining details of when Mary anointed Jesus before he was crucified. The story comes from John twelve, and starts in verse one. But we'll pick in up in verse three

{3} "Mary therefore took a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume." {John 12:3 ESV}.

This "pure nard ointment" actually sounds pretty gross and unimportant to me. But in reality, this was her alabaster jar. It was worth more then an entire years wages. The people around the table that night, as she broke her jar, knelled as the feet of Jesus, must have been surprised and a little unsure of how to take it. Hurtful things were said. They didn't understand. I wonder if she even understood, or if she was simply following the calling God placed upon her heart. But she did it anyways, she continued wiping her hair against his feet, as the perfume began to mix with her tears.

In the podcast, the woman explained that the smell of this perfume? It could last up to a year! This means that Jesus and Mary had the same scent that last week he spent here on earth, and she continued to carry that with her after he had died, rose again and accented into heaven.

And that's all he was asking of me. To knell at his feet, in his presence, and anoint him with my tears. So he can use my brokenness, hurt and tears to bring him glory.  I want to surrender my life into his hands and live out what he has for me in this new crazy calling of ministry. I'm a crazy mess sometimes. I fail, crash and burn. But he still loves me like crazy, and wants to use little ole' me. In return I want to give up the most precious things I have to offer. My big crazy dreams, plans, desires, career, and life and leave them all at his feet…

I wanna smell like Jesus.