Lead Me To The Cross

Lead Me To The Cross.

Something had changed. Things were different. What? I didn’t know, I couldn’t figure it out.

All I knew was that I couldn’t feel him anymore. 

I was struggling to hear him. 

I was struggling to find words to pray. 

It felt as though he had turned the water faucet off, and I was suddenly dying of thirst in the desert. 

I knew he was still with me.

I knew that his love for me was still present.

I just couldn’t see it quite the way I could before.

I didn’t feel like myself.

I felt like a hella hot mess. 

Things were physically being stripped from me, left and right. 

Love and joy were things I had to chose and fight for, daily. Hourly.

I didn’t understand anything that was going on with me.

I was on a major struggle roller coaster. 

Then, a few nights ago I had this intense dream.

It was set back in old Roman times, and I watched it all unfold before me.

A husband came to his wife, and told her that she was to be crucified. CRUCIFIED.

She fully submitted, without question, and followed him. Followed him to her death.

I awoke troubled. I knew that this dream was something spiritual, as the Lord often speaks to me through my dreams of the night. But what it meant, I wasn’t quite sure. 

Later the following day, I had the privilege of helping lead worship for a group of young people about to be sent out to the nations on three month long mission trips. It was during worship that the Lord downloaded some throne room perceptive to me on my crazy dream. 

There are things that I need to die to.

I need to die to myself, and give up my control to the Holy Spirit.

Again.

Deeper then ever before this time.

This was an answer to my prayers of wanting more of him, prayers of wanting to go deeper. It was a beautiful representation, of a husband and wife relationship, the love and intimacy that is present. The leadership and head of a husband, and the way Jesus leads me. The way of a wife, and how he has called us to submit to him.

Its a painful process.

It involves grieving, surrendering, losing control.

Honestly, I’m not fully there yet. 

But I want to be there.

And by his amazing grace, love and mercy, I will get there.

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me”. Galatians 2:20