When I don't feel worthy

When I don't feel worthy

One of the crazy things about God is that he doesn't ever leave us. Through all the messes, mistakes, sins, failures and crap, He is still right there with us. 

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" -Hebrews 13:5

The thing is, we leave Him.

I messed up. But not only that, I knew that it was wrong, and I did it anyways. 

The next couple of days roll around, and instead of following that loving tug on my heart to go and spend time with Jesus, I blow it off. I harden my heart, and go about my day.

Inside, I'm miserable. I'm hurting and broken. I'm vulnerable, and I start listening to satan's lies. and worst of all, I just really miss Jesus. My soul feels parched, and my spirit is weary. I just wanna be with Him.

But I don't feel worthy to be with Him.

I feel condemned. I feel like he's disappointed and angry with me. (I'm listening to lies, remember?). I went and put myself back into the bondage of sin. I listen, as satan twists verses of His holiness, and righteous anger, and I shudder inside. My heart longs for my Papa Abba. But I keep my distance. I'm unknowingly punishing myself. I deserve this hurt, and loneliness. 

All the while, He's calling out to me "Beloved, come back to me".

But all I see are my sin covered hands.

One afternoon, I was helping my mom watch a group of the most precious little girls, whom are super dear to my heart. The youngest had just had her first birthday, and I was playing on the living room floor with her. There was a big fan on the floor opposite me. She kept trying to craw to it, wanting to stick her tiny little fingers into the fast, rotating blades. I knew that doing so would hurt her, so I did everything I could to keep her from having to experience that pain. To her though, see was captivated by it, and it looked like a fun thing to do. After blocking her path, and picking her up to move her away, my beloved whisper to my heart,

"Daughter. Do you now love her any less? Do you no longer want to spend time with her because of her foolishness?"

I look down at this small child on my lap, with her big blue eyes glistening, and her face lit up with a big grin.

His grace hit me like the rush of a mighty river. Still he loves me. Loves me unlike anything in this universe can and ever will. Still he pursues me. Still he longs for me. Still he delights in me, and rejoices in me. 

Because I have been redeemed through the blood of Jesus Christ my Savior.

He sees me as holy, righteous and pure. Even when I feel like the very opposite of those things. 

The only thing stopping me, was me. I had confessed, He had forgiven me. I just hadn't forgiven myself. I allowed myself to stay away from my beloved. I did what satan wanted for me, and I stayed away, believing the lie that I was unworthy. 

The Lord brought me to these very powerful truths in His word, and I wanna challenge you to read them, and examine your own hearts. 

Are you avoiding being with the Lord, in the most intimate and beautiful way, because of your own guilt and shame? Because he's calling you back to Him. Run into His waiting, open arms.

"I formed you; you are my servant; you will not be forgotten by me. I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud, and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you." Isaiah 44:21-22

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you" -Jeremiah 31:3

"remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing!" Isaiah 43:18-19

"He will raise up your ruins… He will fulfill your purpose… He will go before you… He calls you by name… He equips you… He will make level all your ways… You are saved by an ever lasting salvation… Turn to Him and be saved." Isaiah 44, 45.