Thankful

Thankful

The cold wind hit my face hard, as I took a deep breath in. The air, crisp and clean. Big, chunky snow flakes fell softly from the sky, joining the heavy white blanket of snow that already covered the ground beneath my feet.

I was home.

Suddenly it was like I had never left, and Georgia had never happened at all. But Georgia did happen, and now? I have two places I call home. My season here is so unbelievably good, that sometimes it still feels like a dream. Sometimes I still can’t believe that I get to do life like this.

 Last week, I broke down and started crying, simply because of the Lords goodness. He’s crazy faithful, and I just got so overwhelmed by Him. I got so lost in His love, as it covered me like a blanket. I was drowning in His affection over me, His delight. 

He has brought me so far to be in this place with him. He has pursued my wandering heart so fiercely, to bring me to be doing what I do. I used to be so fearful, wrapped in chains of anxiety. Then he brought me into His glorious freedom, and now I get to proclaim it to others.

Abba has lead me to living in the bush of Africa, and now he’s lead me to live in a cute little house in northern Georgia. He’s lead me to be a part of Center for Global Action. I rarely ever understand His plan when its still far off in the future, but he’s brought me to a place of being so in love with him that I have the trust to take the jump, fearlessly. 

But in all of this coming and going, the Lord has also blessed me with people who are willing to take the jump with me. Family, friends, and even complete strangers who say YES to papa, and make the sacrifice to give to my serving adventures. I couldn’t do it with you.

So, thank you. Thank you for saying yes. Thank you for your obedience. Thank you for supporting the Kingdom. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for your sacrifices, and faith. Thank you for your selflessness, thank you for loving me. I pray for an abundance of blessings for you, and your family, both now, and forever more.   

Rise up Warriors - There's a War to fight

 Rise up Warriors - There's a war to fight!

"be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm."  -Ephesians 6"10-18 ESV

I have walked the streets of a third world, african country. As one of very few white girls among them, I stick out like a sore thumb. I felt the hot stares of bitter, angry and desperate men. 

I've heard the screams of a demon possessed women, as the name of Jesus was preached in Uganda.

I've looked into the eyes of young men, homeless and hopeless on the streets of Nicaragua, as they explained that sniffing glue was the only way to make their hunger pains go away. 

I've walked outside of the airport to see camouflaged men, holding AK-47's.

I have sat and listened to the painful cries of young American girls, as they tell me of the pain so great within them that they want to hurts themselves. I sit and listen, and I wanna scream at satan to stay away from my girls.

I watch as our young men live in the bondage of lust and pornography. 

I've held countless children, abandoned and alone. They have to one to take care of them. No one to love them. 

I've sat and listened to the heart wrecking story of how a widow lost all of her children to HIV/AIDS. 

The stories go on and on.

I have forever been wrecked for the comfortable, american lifestyle.

I have been called to fight.

To fight for those who have yet meet Jesus as Savior. For the weak, The hurting, the brokenhearted. 

To fight as a mighty warrior of Christ Jesus.

We are in a war, whether you chose to acknowledge it, or not. Since the moment you took your first breath, there has been a war over your soul.

"Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." -1st Peter 5:8

Last fall, I went out for a run. alone in the woods, along a two track road. It was there that the Lord spoke very clearly to me that: 

“The gates of hell will know your name.

 You’re going to be a warrior for my Kingdom,

And you’re going to be a serious threat to the domain of darkness”.

I was pumped! Put me in the game coach, Lets go!

 Later, the weight of this new calling hit me. “Holy shit. what just happened?!” 

I’m just this young girl. I struggle with fear. I struggle with weakness.  

“Um, are you sure you have the right girl here, God?” 

I called my friend, and told him everything that just happened.

 I was freaking out.

 He just laughed at me.

 then starting pouring into me sweet words of life, and words from the lord, on what being a warrior looked like for me.  

Lemme tell you. It looked vastly different then how I thought it was suppose to look.

I WAS JUST SUPPOSE TO LOVE.

 TO LOVE WITH THE SUPERNATURAL, UNEXPLAINABLE LOVE OF JESUS.

“In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” 1 John 4:10-11 

He’s calling you. He’s raising you up. Why were you placed in this earth, in the very place you find yourself today? Why were you blessed and given the resources that you have? Why do you have the gifting’s that you do? 

What does being a warrior for the Kingdom look like for your life?

Because, You are a Warrior, beloved. 

You carry the power and authority of Jesus Christ the Lord God almighty himself within you! 

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Let us be done with lazy, self absorbed Christianity.

 May we rise up, and claim souls in the name of Jesus.

Let’s do this thang.

24 Hours alone in the Wilderness

24 Hours alone in the Wilderness.

Three days after arriving in Georgia, my alarm is buzzing. Its 5:30am. I don’t want to do to this. Do I really have to do this?

I roll out of my warm bed, and double check that I have all of my needed gear. Hiking boots? Check. Filled nalgene’s. Check. Sleeping bag, tent, rain gear, head lamp. Check, check, check and check. I know nothing of what my next four days will look like, expect,

“We will be hiking and tent camping out in the woods for 4 days. Be prepared for lots of walking and primitive living conditions.” 

Fast forward to a few hours later, and I’m out on the trail, in the foothills of the appalachian mountains. I’ve been given a large bag of trail mix, and told to make it last. This is my lunch for the next few days. I’m already exhausted from all of the crazy hustle and bustle of the days leading up to this trip. I just moved across the country after all! But I know that this will be good for me. I know that I will be challenged. I know that this will be hard. But I’m ready. I pumped myself up with Lacre this morning! Lets do this! I tried to imagine the worst possible, and told myself that it couldn’t possibly be any worse then that! 

I was wrong. 

We hiked for ten grueling hours that day. It rained most of the morning, and I remained wet the rest of the day.  about eight hours in, I found myself hiking the trail alone. Caught somewhere between the front of the group and the back. My knee was flared up, killing me every time I moved it. My hips shot sharp pain through me every step. My thirty pound backpack seemed to weigh at least a hundred. My mind was racing with everything I had just left behind in Michigan. What was I doing here? What did I just get myself into? 

“I am NOT going cry on the trail…I will NOT be that girl”… I probably cried for a good mile or so. And it wasn’t even because of my pain, or that fact that we still had a good, long ways to hike still. I can’t even explain it, but my mentors were right. There is just something about physical brokenness that brings about spiritual brokenness. Abba just totally wrecked me again. It seems he needs to do this with me on a regular basis.

“Make me to hear joy and gladness, let the bones which you have broken rejoice” 

Psalm 51:8.

An hour and a half later, I was caught up with the rest of my team, and we were embarking on the last leg of our journey to our camp spot. The last leg proved to be the craziest yet. It was getting dark. We came to a small beach on the side of the river, and then the trail just ended. I faced the river, knowing behind be was nothing but a steep hill, with crazy thick trees, and vines. I looked hopelessly to Josh (Fellow CGA apprentice) for direction. “This way!” he exclaimed, as we carefully made up way up and along the hill. Over and under trees. Crawling on hands and knees at some points. It was dark now, and I couldn’t really see much of anything more then a few feet in front of me. “This is insane!” I said out loud laughing. 

Finally we made it to our camp. Which was nothing more then A small clearing in the enchanted looking forest. We were next to the river, and I could hear the gentle rushing of the water. Thank you Jesus. We all slept under a tarp that night. But the next day, we started “Solo day”.  Twenty-four hours alone to be with Jesus. I strapped my pack back on and headed a little deeper into the woods. Set up my tent, and crawled inside. I really had no idea what I’d do with my entire day. I had my bible, journal, water bottle and trail mix. Thats it. 

“Okay Jesus, what do you want to do together today?”

It was the most beautiful time with the father. I rested in him. I mourned things that needed to be mourned. I surrendered everything again. I waited upon him. He just loved on me in crazy ways. He infused new dreams into me. Gave me freedom where I had set unnecessary boundaries in place, that were not of him. Then he brought me, once again to Ephesians, chapter one. Read this next part slowly, taking it all in.  

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace 8 that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, 9 he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.

11 In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12 in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

15 For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God’s people, 16 I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. 17 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance his holy people, 19 and His incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength 20 he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. 

I just sat there and reread it. Over and over again. In such awe of who God is, and the unbelievable things that he’s done for us. The things that are available to us here and now! How often to we doubt ourselves, and fail to live out our full responsibilities, bringing the Kingdom here and now?? Jesus Christ, has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in Christ!

Night eventually came, and with it the darkness. And rain. Lots of rain. The rain started coming into my tent. I was alone. I couldn’t sleep. My anxiety started rising. I cried out to Abba. 

“ You can do nothing apart from me, beloved.”

“ You can do nothing apart from me, beloved.”

“ You can do nothing apart from me, beloved.”

Now I challenge you. What are you trying to do on your own strength? What is Abba asking you to surrender? What do you need to put down, in order to pick up?

Ask Abba. He longs for it.

When I don't feel worthy

When I don't feel worthy

One of the crazy things about God is that he doesn't ever leave us. Through all the messes, mistakes, sins, failures and crap, He is still right there with us. 

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" -Hebrews 13:5

The thing is, we leave Him.

I messed up. But not only that, I knew that it was wrong, and I did it anyways. 

The next couple of days roll around, and instead of following that loving tug on my heart to go and spend time with Jesus, I blow it off. I harden my heart, and go about my day.

Inside, I'm miserable. I'm hurting and broken. I'm vulnerable, and I start listening to satan's lies. and worst of all, I just really miss Jesus. My soul feels parched, and my spirit is weary. I just wanna be with Him.

But I don't feel worthy to be with Him.

I feel condemned. I feel like he's disappointed and angry with me. (I'm listening to lies, remember?). I went and put myself back into the bondage of sin. I listen, as satan twists verses of His holiness, and righteous anger, and I shudder inside. My heart longs for my Papa Abba. But I keep my distance. I'm unknowingly punishing myself. I deserve this hurt, and loneliness. 

All the while, He's calling out to me "Beloved, come back to me".

But all I see are my sin covered hands.

One afternoon, I was helping my mom watch a group of the most precious little girls, whom are super dear to my heart. The youngest had just had her first birthday, and I was playing on the living room floor with her. There was a big fan on the floor opposite me. She kept trying to craw to it, wanting to stick her tiny little fingers into the fast, rotating blades. I knew that doing so would hurt her, so I did everything I could to keep her from having to experience that pain. To her though, see was captivated by it, and it looked like a fun thing to do. After blocking her path, and picking her up to move her away, my beloved whisper to my heart,

"Daughter. Do you now love her any less? Do you no longer want to spend time with her because of her foolishness?"

I look down at this small child on my lap, with her big blue eyes glistening, and her face lit up with a big grin.

His grace hit me like the rush of a mighty river. Still he loves me. Loves me unlike anything in this universe can and ever will. Still he pursues me. Still he longs for me. Still he delights in me, and rejoices in me. 

Because I have been redeemed through the blood of Jesus Christ my Savior.

He sees me as holy, righteous and pure. Even when I feel like the very opposite of those things. 

The only thing stopping me, was me. I had confessed, He had forgiven me. I just hadn't forgiven myself. I allowed myself to stay away from my beloved. I did what satan wanted for me, and I stayed away, believing the lie that I was unworthy. 

The Lord brought me to these very powerful truths in His word, and I wanna challenge you to read them, and examine your own hearts. 

Are you avoiding being with the Lord, in the most intimate and beautiful way, because of your own guilt and shame? Because he's calling you back to Him. Run into His waiting, open arms.

"I formed you; you are my servant; you will not be forgotten by me. I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud, and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you." Isaiah 44:21-22

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you" -Jeremiah 31:3

"remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing!" Isaiah 43:18-19

"He will raise up your ruins… He will fulfill your purpose… He will go before you… He calls you by name… He equips you… He will make level all your ways… You are saved by an ever lasting salvation… Turn to Him and be saved." Isaiah 44, 45.

What I find in the stillness

What I find in the stillness.

It's the end of a long work day. my eye lids are heavy, my back and feet ache. My mind is still racing with all of the things that took place over my day, while still calculating all of the things that still need to be done…  

I am so thankful that I talk with my God, and spend time with him, anywhere. Anytime. He hears my prayers while I'm in the shower, still half asleep. He listens when I mumble out small praises to him in between Luke Bryan and Lady antebellum songs playing on my pandora, as I sit and put on my makeup. He loves the way I belt out praises to him in the car, flying sixty miles per hour, on my drive to work. He loves it when I pray like I'm consistently in a conversation with him, in the middle of all the hustle and bustle of my day. 

But I was created for more.

It's getting late, and I was temped to crash on the couch, snuggled up with my favorite book until bedtime. But I felt him calling me to come and sit with him outside.(*sigh. Lets just take a second and dwell on how amazing that in itself is…) So I wandered down the stairs in my backyard. Down to the beach, and out onto the dock, over looking the lake. To sit with the creator of the world. I got so giggly just walking there. Because I knew that he'd meet me there… 

 You know, God is always on this crazy pursuit for our hearts. His love is relentless. His grace is sufficient. His glory is never ending! So why? Why is it so crazy difficult for us to carve time out of our "all important schedules" to simply sit and be with the creator of the universe??? I don't get it… What on earth could be more important? More eternal?

You see though, God has to be pursued in return. He requires all of us.

"Jesus replied: Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, and all of your soul and with all of your mind…" Matthew 22:37

I find Jesus in the stillness. And the beauty of it is, I don't have to do a thing. I just sit. You see, there is a difference between striving, and seeking.I don't believe that there is any striving in the kingdom of God. 

The bible says:  I will bring him near and he will be close to me, for who is he that will devote himself to be close with me? So you will be mine, and I will be yours. Jeremiah 30:21 

It also says: Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord. Jeremiah 29:13-14  

My life had completely changed when I regularly disciplined myself to just sit and spent time with Jesus. I didn't read my bible during this time. I didn't play worship music, or write in my journal. 

I just sat. I sat in the presence of God Almighty.

I embraced the awkward, and quieted my mind. I made him my first priority. I began truly seeking him…Sitting quickly turned into knelling, and knelling quickly turned into face down on the ground. As he began to reveal to me his majestic Glory. His never failing love, and his beauty. He began to pour into my heart, spirit and soul. He poured words of life over me. He satisfied me in ways I never imagined. It's there that he begins to speak to us. It's there we learn the sound of his voice. It's there we discover his freedom. I began to understand what the Psalmist were talking about when they wrote things like 

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand". -Psalm 16:11,

 " I run in the path of your commands, for you have made my heart free." -Psalm 119:32

 "Splendor and majesty are before him: Strength and glory are in his sanctuary" -Psalm 96:6 

So, my dear friends, I challenge you. Stop the glorification of "busy" and start Glorifying Him with the way we devote our time.  Stop over complicating it.  Just simply be with Him. Let's discipline ourselves to sit at the feet of God almighty. Find Jesus in the stillness. 

But Jesus, I really like luke.

But Jesus, I really like Luke.

My life was going great. Or so I thought.

 I was enrolled in a photography school where was excelling, I was working my butt off at four different jobs. But I was totally okay with that because "you gotta work hard for your dreams" I'd tell myself when my 4:45am alarm would go off. I was blessed with really awesome friends, and I had a wonderful family. Life was good. 

Then He came along. I had known him all my life. My entire family loved him. I loved him. But he wasn't content with our relationship being the way it was.  

He wanted more. 

I wasn't so sure.  

He began this all out pursuit of me anyways. Inviting me to spend time with him. To talk with him. I'd spend time with him when it was convenient for me, but I was was working four jobs after all, spare time was something I didn't really have. So I'd squeeze him in here and there.

 He began to romance me. He kept up the pursuit. Instead of begining to slack off, he actually stepped it up. But I knew what he wanted, and I wasn't ready to give that to him. I was comfortable. I was busy enough to get through the days without much thought of this pursuit of my heart. But in those quiet moments before drifting off to sleep, I couldn't avoid thinking about it.

Jesus was pursuing me. 

He wanted my whole heart.

 He wanted my EVERYTHING.

 But that was really scary. That would require giving up my control.

 I grew up in the church, in a loving christian home. I really did love Jesus. I really did want him to guide me… as long as it was in the general direction I was heading anyways, with an extra blessing or two thrown in there.  

I was lukewarm. And I was okay with that. 

But I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more.

I was here, and Jesus was over there. On the other side of my comfortable. On the other side of this lukewarm spirit that I had allowed myself to slip into. 

He was there, beaconing me to come to him. 

I loved Jesus.

 But I wasn't In love with him. 

And I learned that there was a BIG difference in the two. 

So I gave him my heart. All of it. It didn't happen over night, and its still something that I have to be disciplined in daily. But I am SO glad that I did. He began this new work in me. It was uncomfortable, awkward and down right painful sometimes. But its one of the best things I have ever done in my life.

I am so beyond thankful for Jesus' relentless pursuit of me. I am so humbled and grateful for his abounding, steadfast, fulfilling love. I am so thankful he pulled me out of the funk of "lukewarm-ness" Because let me tell you, there is SO MUCH LIFE waiting for you at the other side of this! We were created to do miraculous, inspiring things in this life! We were created to be fully fulfilled, fully satisfied, radical, loving lives, through Jesus Christ. Reject the lie that this lukewarm spirit is ok! It is soooo not okay!  

"So because you are lukewarm -  neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth"

-Jesus (Revelation 3:16)

Are you in love with Jesus?

I mean passionate, adventurous, soul quenching, spirit over-flowing love.

 Or do you find yourself on the other side of things with this thing called lukewarm plaguing you? 

Seriously, examine your hearts. 

Because this is a big deal.

 Reject the lie that says that its not. 

Thats not from God. 

Here are 17 signs that you are lukewarm. 

- from Francis Chan's book "Crazy Love" (read it) - 

1. Lukewarm people attend church fairly regularly. It is what is expected of them, what they believe “good Christians” do, so they go. Isaiah 29:13

2. Lukewarm people give money to charity and to the church as long as it doesn’t impinge on their standard of living. If they have a little extra and it is easy and safe to give, they do so, After all, God loves a cheerful giver, right? 1 Chronicles 21:24, Luke 21:1-4

3. Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict. They desire to fit in both at church and outside of church; they care more about what people think of their actions (like church attendance and giving) than what God thinks of their hearts and lives. Luke 6:26, Revelation 3:1, Matthew 23:5-7 4.

4: Lukewarm people don’t really want to be saved from their sin; they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin. They don’t genuinely hate sin and aren’t truly sorry for it; they’re merely sorry because God is going to punish them. Lukewarm people don’t really believe that this new life Jesus offers is better than the old sinful one. John 10:10, Romans 6:1-2.

5. Lukewarm people are moved by stories of people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act. They assume such action is for “extreme” Christians, not average ones. Lukewarm people call “radical” what Jesus expected of all His followers. James 1:22, James 4:17, Matthew 21:28-31

6. Lukewarm people rarely share their faith with their neighbors, coworkers, or friends. They do not want to be rejected, nor do they want to make people uncomfortable by talking about private issues like religion. Matthew 10:32-33

7. Lukewarm people gauge their morality or “goodness” by comparing themselves to the secular world. They feel satisfied that while they aren’t as hard-core for Jesus as so-and-so, they are nowhere as horrible as the guy down the street. Luke 18:11-12

8. Lukewarm people say they love Jesus, and He is, indeed, a part of their lives, their money, and their thoughts, but he isn’t allowed to control their lives. Luke 9:57-62

9. Lukewarm people love God, but they do not love Him all their heart, soul, and strength. They would be quick to assure you they try to love God that much, but that sort of total devotion isn’t really possible for the average person; its only for pastors and missionaries and radicals. Matthew 22:37-38

10. Lukewarm people love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves. Their love for others is typically focused on those who love them in return, like family, friends, and other people they know and connect with. There is a little love left over for those who cannot love them back, much less for those who intentionally slight them, who kids are better athletes than theirs, or with whom conversations are awkward or uncomfortable. Their love is highly conditional and very selective, and generally comes with strings attached. Matthew 5:43-47, Luke 14:12-14

11. Lukewarm people will serve God and others, but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give. Luke 18:21-25

12. Lukewarm people think about life on earth much more often than eternity in heaven. Daily life is mostly focused on today’s to-do list, this week’s schedule, and next month’s vacation. Rarely, if ever do they intently consider the life to come. Philippians 3:18-20

13. Lukewarm people are thankful for their luxuries and comforts, and rarely consider trying to give as much as possible to the poor. Matthew 25:34, 40, Isaiah 58:6-7

14. Lukewarm people do whatever is necessary to keep themselves from feeling too guilty. They want to do the bare minimum, to be “good enough” without requiring too much of them. 1 Chronicles 29:14, Matthew 13:44-46

15. Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control. This focus on safe living keeps them sacrificing and risking for God. Matthew 10:28

16. Lukewarm people feel secure because they attend church, made a profession of faith at age twelve, were baptized, come from a Christian family, vote Republican, or live in America.

17. Luke warm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to. They don’t have to trust God if something unexpected happens-they have their savings account. They don’t need God to help them—they have their retirement plan in place. They don’t genuinely seek out what life God would have them live—they have life figured and mapped out. They don’t depend on God on a daily basis-their refrigerators are full and, for the most part, they are in good health. The truth is, their lives wouldn’t look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God. Luke 12:16-21

18. Lukewarm people probably drink and swear less than average, but besides that, they really aren’t very different from your typical unbeliever. They equate their partially sanitized lives with holiness, but they couldn’t be more wrong. Matthew 23:25-28, Luke 14:34-35

                                              Are you lukewarm?

Swazi Goodbyes

Swazi Goodbyes

These sweet, precious children.

They play with my hair.

they climb up on my lap.

They squeeze my neck tight in a hug.

They stare deep into my eyes, and touch my cheek with their fingers.

They'll run around and play. Or they'll sit and snuggle with me for hours at a time.

They get all shy when you praise them for the good job they did coloring, then beam a smile that makes you wonder if they've ever been praised for anything in their entire lives...

They sing to me.

They hold my hands.

They snuggle in close.

But then the time comes. The time to say goodbye...

It hits me like a brick wall. I may never see this sweet child ever again. My heart grows heavy. Maybe a little angry

One day stands out in particular. We were visiting a certain carepoint, for only this one time. There was a little girl there. Probably around the age of five. I watched her walk up. Holding a bucket more than half her size, up upon her head.

She was more shy then most. Maybe that's why it surprised me when she edged ever so closer to me. A longing for love in her eyes. I took my time, making sure that she felt comfortable. But when the moment came, I swept her up into my lap.

She clung onto me, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck. Not saying a word. I held her tight. For how long, I really don't know. But it wasn't long enough. Then that time came again. We got our warning. We'd be heading out in five minutes.

It's then that I began that semi angry prayer.

Father, I don't want to leave her. I don't want to set her down, only to drive away, never to return to her again...

who is going to hold her then?

-I will, daughter.

Who will care for her, in the dark of the night??

-I will not leave her, for I am always with her.

Who will love her???

-daughter, I have loved her with an everlasting love...I knew her before she was formed in her mothers womb. I know her both coming and going. I have plans to prosper her, hope for her future... Don't you see, today I used you. To hold her, to love her. Now from this day on, she will be in your heart, in your prayers. Though you are leaving, I will be here, with her, all the days of her precious life.

It's those words, that Jesus spoke to my heart, that gave me the strength to say goodbye. Because although I wish I could hold her in my arms, every day from now on, right now, God has other plans for us both. I will trust that he will provide for her. That she will learn in depth of his love for her. That she will grow up, and receive an education, he will provide food, and water. To be cared for by someone who loves her. He will provide protection and that she will go on to serve Jesus.

I will trust that I'm not only saying goodbye. But instead, see you later! Because we will spend eternity together, in the presence of our King.